Low Dose MDMA as Nootropic?

This is going to be long, so I apologize.

I went through a very bad depression, and almost took my life on a number of occasions. My brain operates very differently than everyone else. Growing up I did not understand that. All I had to go on was observation of others. I figured they were all thinking like I was, feeling what I felt. So I based my outlook and self image off that fact.

My brain has a unique ability to immediately break every concept down into it's most fundamental parts. I then take those fundamental parts and synthesize totally new concepts. I can then break down those new concepts and continue the cycle. This all happens instantly in my head. I don't think about it consciously. This ability to synthesize very complex and abstract ideas from the fundamentals of other complex and abstract ideas comes in handy. However, teachers do not understand how to handle a child like that. They see me as a trouble maker, not willing to follow their rules, not willing to learn. On the surface, sure that may seem like the case. But I was a child, a product of my environment. If I did not want to learn, it's because they did not want to step outside of their comfort zone to reach me. If I questioned their commands, it's because there was a logical flaw in their delivery. However, it was always put on me. I was always the one to blame. As a child, I started to believe that. I fell behind in school. I needed tutors in math to try and catch me up. I just believed that I was behind the pack.

Then I got to high school, and things started to change. My brain started to speed up. Suddenly everything became so easy. I got a 99% in biology one semester, and slept in class most days. I will point out that I have been in private Catholic schools to this point. After freshman year I decided I was done with all that shit, and transferred to a public high school. I had to make all new friends, but that was not a big deal. I went into all honors classes, but it was just ridiculous. All honors in public school took 20% the effort of normal classes in private. It was a joke. I quickly gained the reputation for being a crazy person that was always joking. I never seemed serious in class, so people just figured I was the class clown. Then the end of the first year came and they were calling the top 5% of the school up to the principles office to get their award certificates. They called my name over the speaker in class and everyone just looked at me and asked, "what are they calling you for? Are you in trouble?" I told them that it was for the stupid award certificate. They were dumbfounded. Nobody thought I was smart enough to be in the top 50%, much less the top 5%. I shrugged, then went and got my "award." Even then nobody really understood me. I didn't seem to care at the time.

Around this time is when things started to get out of control. My brain was still speeding up, but I did not understand it. I thought everyone was thinking like me. I did not think I was any different. So when I noticed inconsistencies in the world around me, I would get into thought loops. Why did these things that made sense to everyone else not make any sense to me? Why were people okay with the inefficiencies I was seeing? It must be me! I must be seeing things wrong. Why am I seeing things wrong? What can I change to fix that issue in my head? And down I went. The thought spirals drained the happiness from me. I did not know how to control my brain. I did not even understand that I needed to figure out how. Before I knew it, I had succeeded in draining all feeling from myself. I could not figure out why my brain was at odds with the way everyone else thought, so I shut it off.

It's hard to think about how I felt during those times, because there was no feeling. That, and my brain has shut off some of that time to protect me. I think about pieces of it over the years. Depression to me was nothingness. There was no sadness, no joy, just nothing. The more I thought about it, the worse I got. I had a great family, a wonderful girlfriend, and a good life. Why did I feel this way? It still must be me. What am I doing wrong? I spiraled down. I gained 100 lbs, and lost all interest in anything. I was a shell of a human. I look back at pictures of myself in that time and there is no "me" behind the eyes. I cannot see myself in my own eyes. It's kind of creepy, to be honest.

Then, it all hit rock bottom. My family moved away to Colorado. My girlfriend could not handle it anymore, and left me. My friends did not understand what I was going through, and went their separate ways. I fell hard. That was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was no longer propped up. When I hit bottom, I had two choices: end it or get better. I don't fully understand why I chose the latter, but I did. The dark void that was inside me turned to deep sadness, but I felt again. Even though those feelings were the hardest things I've ever had to go through, it was better than pure nothingness. So I started trying to get better, and make sense of what I went through. I started my own business and began flying all over the world. I started working out 1-3 hours every day. I took it step by step, goal by goal. Eventually my sadness started turning into a feeling of accomplishment. I started to be happy again. When I had pretty much put my life back together, a mutual friend offered me MDMA. I was curious, and did a little research. (Holy fuck there is a lot of bad science out there. I know that now, but not then. That is why I try and stop it now.) Anyway, I decided to take it. I went with my best friend to an Armin Van Buuren show in Los Angeles. I took it before walking into the club. After we got in, my friend went to go get some scotch, while I stood by a massive speaker. Then, suddenly it hit! It was like a tsunami of joy. My brain literally exploded with happiness! I had never felt this much in my life. My brain finally understood what it meant to be happy, and there didn't need to be a reason for it. I didn't need to justify why I felt that way. I didn't need to analyze everything about it. I just needed to feel it. I looked over at my friend when he came back and just said, "I understand now!" And I did. I finally understood what happiness was. I didn't take it again for another year. I didn't need to. My brain was finally awake.

After that night I was curious what had happened pharmacologically. I wanted to understand. I wanted to learn. So I started researching, and have never stopped. I have learned more about my brain than I could have ever imagined. The person I am today is so much more than I ever thought possible in my childhood. I am still learning, and always will be. But I have finally figured out how to control my brain and use it to do amazing things. I finally see that I was not the problem all along. I was just different, and nobody understood. I didn't need to keep searching for a reason to be happy. I just needed to choose to be happy. I needed to control my thought loops and direct them outward, not inward. I needed to use the power of my brain to advance myself, not analyze my flaws. MDMA taught me that happiness does not need a reason. It's a lesson that has changed who I am permanently. I could never take MDMA again, and I would be satisfied. It's taught me what I needed to learn.

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As far as toxicity is concerned, read my posts below. I've narrowed most of the 5-HT system toxicity down to two metabolites: 2,5-Bis-(glutathion-S-yl)-alpha-methyldopamine, and 2,4,5-trihydroxyamphetamine. Both arise from N-demethylation by your CYP3A4 enzyme, then either ring-hydroxylation or O-demethylation by CYP2D6, then conjugation with glutathione.

http://www.reddit.com/r/DrugNerds/comments/13lp0b/mdma_neurotoxicity_part_1_metabolites/

http://www.reddit.com/r/DrugNerds/comments/15m9sf/mdma_supplementation/